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Separated
Okay, separated - or maybe thinking about separating from your spouse. Now what?
And does this mean that the marriage is necessarily over?
Perhaps surprisingly, the answer to that last question is "No!". In fact, according to a report published in the Journal of Marriage and the Family, "approximately five million couples, or 10% of all currently married couples in the United States, have experienced a separation and reconciliation in their marriage".
Those five million couples used the period of time of their separation to cool down, think things over, gain some perspective, and find some resources that allowed them to put their marriages back together again. Many of them used that time as a chance to do some real learning - learning about themselves, about relationships in general, and about what went wrong in their own relationship.
Here's our first piece of advice for those separated. Use this time to STOP FIGHTING, and stop deliberately trying to hurt each other. Call a cease-fire, and the one who is reading this, is the one to go first.
Why? Very simple, actually. Is the marriage at a very critical junction right now? At some point both spouse are going to have to make a very important decision, one that is going to impact everyone including the children (if there are children) for the rest of everyone's lives - namely, is the couple going to try to put this relationship back together again or are they going to get a divorce? And the more calm they each are when that critical decision is made, the more likely they are going to be to make the right decision for everyone.
Our second piece of advice is that if either thinks that divorces is even a possibility, then call 1-800-489-7778 and order the video and workbook set entitled "Choosing Wisely - Before You Divorce". Most people who divorce have no idea what getting divorced really means. This set will allow one to make a much more informed decision than they would otherwise make. The cost of the set is only $60.00, which is miniscule compared to the magnitude of the decision the couple is now facing. For more information about this series.
Our third piece of advice is to consider the Retrouvaille Program. Up to 20% of the couples attending this Program are separated, or even divorced. Retrouvaille is designed to help couple experiencing difficulties in their marriages.
For more information about Retrouvaille.
If the couple decides that they would like to try to put their marriage back again, there are plenty of resources available here in the Twin Cities. This web site describes many of them. Spend some time on the various sections of this web site, exploring what is available. One section in particular that is likely to be particularly valuable is the one entitled Troubled Marriages .